6 min read

The Christmas Present

The brand new outside rug was Wedgwood Blue, bristly in touch, almost like the back of a porcupine. In the center of this spectacular rug that everyone hated but me was a delicate white snowflake. I cherished this new acquisition and opened the door several times to gaze at my precious find. This rug could last for many Holiday years I thought to myself and was invincible.

The next day I could immediately smell what was on that festive mat before I opened the door to admire it. As I walked to the front door in slow motion, my nostrils filled with a scent so putrid that I immediately turned on the exhaust fan on my way over. Sitting in the centre of my Christmas prize was a pile of Yuletide joy the size of metropolitan Toronto.

Who and what created this perfect masterpiece sitting on top of the delicate snowflake? Did this animal not share my thoughts on the Holidays? The rug now had no where to go now but the dumpster. Who would ruin my treasured Christmas mat? Who could do such a thing?

Ten minutes later I saw HIM in the hall running without a care. A visiting dog sporting a fashionable Christmas hoodie had to be the culprit. As his collar jingled like Santa he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. We both spoke silently with our eyes locked and suddenly I found myself filled with angry vocabulary not suitable for any time of the year. The dog now with downtrodden eyes, sucked himself closely to the wall as he passed by me. I glared at him as he walked by with apprehension and screamed, "You little ^&*&$% !!!! Don't do that again or Santa is not going to buy you any treats!"

Not wanting to have yet another Holiday disappointment over a door mat I found something suitable at a second hand shop. Costing more than my WalMart special, it was plain, brown, and obscure, and should have last me through the next decade.

The top of the mat read:

THE DOG - DAY 751 My captors continue to torment me with bizarre rubber squeak toys. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape...that and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of furniture. I fear I may be going insane!

Yes, I thought to myself, this new rug will last through the Christmas season. It has no colour, or feel of the outdoors. It is a rug that does not tease or beckon anything on four legs. It is fool proof!

The next day the replacement rug was ceremoniously marched to the dumpster. Once again the bladder and bowels of the unknown creature hit the mark and I no longer cared. A $2.99 Ikea green and black stripe door mat found on page 39 of the catalogue was the replacement. I seriously considered putting a "No Dumping" sign by my door. Alas, I wondered what good would that do as I feared I too might be going insane. The next day I spied my furry friend running up the hall once again with yet a another Christmas hoodie on. Our eyes met instantly and after I slammed the door I silently thought that no matter what I put out this dog would always be a rebel without a Claus.