Is your amusement park struggling to survive? Are people just not interested? Are you searching for something that will miraculously turn everything around? Look no further. Killer whales, with their dazzling grace and beauty, are sure to lure people from the edges of the world into your park. The animals have such powerful emotional and cognitive abilities that you can inspire people and keep them coming back. They will flock into the stadium to watch killer whales leap into the sky while you sleep on a bed of money. Sounds good, right? But there's just one problem: where do you get a Killer Whale? They don't just fall out of the sky like rain. You will need to capture them from the wild and train them to perform. It sounds like a lot of work, I know. But it's worth it. You, as the owner of this theme park, will get so rich that you can use money to wipe your ass. Not kidding! Below is a step-by-step guide on how to collect a killer whale to boost your attendance numbers and profit. There's no way it can fail.
Driving The Pod
Step 1: Find a pod of killer whales peacefully socializing on the coastline.
Your best bet to find killer whales is to search in Puget Sound, which runs along the coasts of Oregon and Washington. They congregate together in the summer to socialize and mate, so it will be easy to find them. Send a scouting boat out to locate and track a pod.
Step 2: Set up sea pens in a small cove near the location of the pod. Be sure to study local geography as the inlets in the region can be a bit confusing.
Plenty of coves exist in Puget Sound so it shouldn't be too hard to find one. I would recommend Penn Cove, Whidbey Island because the entrance is narrow and killer whales frequent it during the summer.
Step 3: Send out ten to twelve boats and a couple bomb-carrying airplanes towards the pod.
You will want high-speed boats that can travel up to speeds of at least 20 nautical miles. Killer whales are fast and elusive since they swim over 100 miles a day. The airplanes are useful for scouting the pod while you are driving them.
Step 4: Drive the pod towards your capture location.
Once your boats have reached the pod, set them up in a U-shape formation. This formation is preferred by orca hunters because it forces the pod to travel a certain direction and prevents them from escaping. Have an airplane drop bombs near the pod. Killer whales are very sensitive to sound and this will shatter their ears.
The killer whales will bunch together and will be limited by the speed at which their calves can travel. Adult males will sometimes split from the main group in attempts to confuse you and protect their children. Check to see if any calves are with them. If there are, pursue with three or four boats. If they escape, you lose money. Remember that you are trying to capture the young killer whales; they are easier to train and will last longer.
Step 5: Once you drive the pod into your capture location, seal the entrance with a net.
Make sure the net touches the bottom of the entrance. I highly suggest inserting ear plugs once the pod is sealed within the cove. A cacophonous symphony of shrill screams, backed with an underscore of gun-like staccato notes from pounding flukes and flippers, will resonate from the cove for miles around.
Step 6: Separate the calves from their mothers.
This is best done by shoving them apart and dividing the groups of infants and adults with a series of nets. Again, you do not want any of them to escape. Mothers will scream and jump out of the water, trying to see where their baby is. It is best to keep them separated, otherwise it will be difficult to hoist your chosen whales out of the water.
Step 7: By this time, night will most likely be approaching. Call it a day and have armed guards patrol the area to ensure that civilians do not investigate or attempt to free the whales. Order the guards to shoot on sight.
Step 8 (if needed): Calves will sometimes charge the nets to reunite with their mothers and drown in the process. You need to recover these corpses and hide them from the public, otherwise there will be a media storm.
The best way to get rid of the dead infants is to slit them open, fill them with rocks, tie them with anchors, take them out to deeper waters, and let them sink. The public will never know!
Step 9: Call other theme parks to buy killer whales from you to make more money.
Each killer whale, untrained, will sell for at least a few thousand bucks.
Selecting A Killer Whale
Step 1: When you return the next morning, decide what killer whales you want for your park.
You should be looking for one who is fairly young, has no marks on its skin, and who seems more docile than the others. I would recommend selecting at least a couple males and females so you can breed them later to keep your captive population going. Remember, the young ones last longer, the prettier ones attract more people, and the more docile ones are far easier to dominate and control.
Step 2: Once you have chosen a whale, drag it away from the others, enclose it in a small net, and place a small steel ring in the water.
The killer whale will scream and thrash around in the water. Insert a steel ring so that the flippers and dorsal fin prevent the killer whale from escaping. Hold on tight. It will twist, turn, and dive in an attempt to escape. This is your prize! You need this animal to keep your park alive and to pay your bills. Do not let it go.
Step 3: Place the killer whale, still kicking and screaming, into a sling.
Use your manpower and push that animal into the sling. Make sure it has openings for the flippers so the whale cannot roll out. Look the young killer whale in the eye and tell it, "you are mine!"
Step 4: Using a crane, hoist the killer whale out of the water and onto a flatbed truck.
Step 5: Transport the killer whale in a small box via airplane to your theme park.
Make sure you caress the killer whale and let it know that it's going home on the airplane ride. You want it to last at least 20 years in your park so it's best to heal as much of the trauma of being kidnapped as possible.
How to Make Full Use of Your Killer Whale
Step 1: Train the whales to perform breathtaking tricks for an audience.
This is best done by using positive reinforcement to control the animals. Use food, touch, and other stimuli as rewards for behaviors. The shows themselves will keep them motivated – what else would they do in a tank? Just float around all day?
While the killer whales happily perform, it will attract tourists and put more money in your pocket. Everyone wins.
Step 2: Make sure to give the animals drugs, like Tagamet or Valium, to reduce stress and to enhance performance and health. DO NOT let park visitors find out about this. They need to be kept as aloof as possible.
Drugs like Tagamet and Valium will treat ulcers and reduce anxiety and/or stress caused by the trauma your whales endured from being stolen from their mothers and from being held in a concrete tank. This will increase longevity of your whales by a couple years at least and bring you more money.
Step 3: Masturbate and artificially inseminate your killer whales at a young age so you have a self-sustaining population.
Sadly, killer whales just do not last as long in captivity, no matter how many drugs you give them. Therefore, it is necessary to breed them when they are seven or eight (killer whales usually don't mate until they are at least 14) and as much as possible after they conceive the first child.
Do not let the killer whales mate naturally, it gives them control that they shouldn't have. Trainers must masturbate the males and collect sperm to artificially insert into the females. This way the best possible chances of pregnancy are given and your visitors don't see the animals mating when they stop by.
Step 4: Hide your scheme of capturing and breeding killer whales to turn a profit by brainwashing people into believing it is educational and helpful to wild populations that you are actually endangering.
This will create a strong force of support, even if some people are able see through the lowered curtain.
Now you know all of the steps needed to successfully kidnap a killer whale from its family and imprison it in your marine park to increase your attendance and profit. Within 25 years, you will be a millionaire and own a network of theme parks. People will never suspect you are in it for the money and they will never realize how much the killer whales suffer in captivity. Have fun kidnapping and breeding!
*Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece meant to expose the cruelty of these captures and the captive industry. It is based entirely on actual events and facts.
Empty the tanks!