"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." – Robert Benchley Ya know, aside from 'fetch', 'high-five' and 'play dead.' Note: These fictional quotes are based on actual conversations with my dog: Marshall.
1. Quit being so passive aggressive
Stop staring at me, then at my food, then at me, then at my food. If you want my food, JUST ASK. I'm still going to say no. You get treats and stray popcorn all the time. That's enough. Besides your are NOT passive aggressive when you smack the bells on the door (I heard it the first time!). So you know how to get my attention.
And that thing where you walk up and just drop the ball by my feet? How about tossing it up to me, maybe? Or when you roll onto your back and throw all your paws in the air. I get it, you like getting your belly rubbed.
2. Stop licking your junk
Seriously, just stop. Look bro, I'm sure it feels good and if I'm being honest, it's crossed most men's minds. But the truth is, it's just a really bad look. I can't stand that sound. And the smell? It's bad. My house, my rules. Just stop.
3. Don't pee on your own leg
So I may be a bit of a hypocrite here. I've been there. Here's the thing though, when I notice what I'm doing, I stop. I get it, it's winter and your pee is warm, so maybe it feels good. And I know you don't really care about your self image, but really, maybe you should. Which brings me to my next point...
4. Get a job
Okay, I don't expect you to actually get a job. That would be absurd (Could you imagine? A dog barista or pro-wrestler?). But you could learn to be a service dog. I mean, that would be cool right? Ya it would.
Unfortunately, you still poop in the house and jump on every person you see. We have a ways to go. Let's start small. Can you learn to put your toys away, at least? Maybe wipe your paws when you come in the house?
5. Get serious
You can't just be all care-free all the time. I can't play with you 24/7. I just can't. I need you to focus. Life is serious, my dude. Oh, and fix your ear. It looks ridiculous when it flips over like that. And comb your hair.
Also, you eat three times per day and get a treat when you 'go' outside. Not to mention the Peanut Butter Kong you get every time we leave. Quit begging for more. I literally never see you working out. We need to keep that diet in-check.
6. Don't hump EVERY dog you see
While we're at it, don't let every dog hump you. You don't want to be know as 'that dog' at the park. You just don't. It can't be good.
Besides, when you try to 'get down,' you do it wrong. Snow is a girl. She shouldn't be humping you. I think it may be time for the talk.
Find a nice bitch (or male, whatever) and settle down. Maybe start a fami... shit. You can't do that. Ya... about that. Sorry, man.
7. Fetch me a beer
Isn't this every dog owner's ultimate aspiration? If you do this, you go instant legend.
8. Quit stealing the blanket
You don't even need it. You sleep on top of it. And don't give me that look when I try to steal it back.
9. Chill with the whole Mailman thing
At around Noon, every freaking day, someone stops by the house for like two seconds. Okay? Now that we got that down, can we just chill? I appreciate your effort in trying to be a guard dog but if we're being honest, if someone invaded the house you would roll over and ask for belly rubs, like "I guess I have new owners now."
10. Where are you going?
If I drop the leash or stop to pick-up your mess, it's not a free chance to get the F out of dodge. Is your life that bad? Seriously, Is it? You get the premium dog food.
Full-disclosure: it's not the 'top' top brand. Just like, you know, the high-middle. I don't eat all organic and grass-fed food, you don't either. Money doesn't grow on trees.
Anyway, we take you out, you have your own room (without rent) and pretty laid-back parents. It's not THAT bad, is it? Plus, it's not like you don't get out, you get to go to camp and to Grandma's all the time.
Let me be blunt here, my dude: you wouldn't last a day in the wild. And I wouldn't last a day without you.
Dogs have the most unconditional love for you. Return the favor today and everyday.