6. Don't hump EVERY dog you see
While we're at it, don't let every dog hump you. You don't want to be know as 'that dog' at the park. You just don't. It can't be good.
Besides, when you try to 'get down,' you do it wrong. Snow is a girl. She shouldn't be humping you. I think it may be time for the talk.
Find a nice bitch (or male, whatever) and settle down. Maybe start a fami... shit. You can't do that. Ya... about that. Sorry, man.
7. Fetch me a beer
Isn't this every dog owner's ultimate aspiration? If you do this, you go instant legend.
8. Quit stealing the blanket
You don't even need it. You sleep on top of it. And don't give me that look when I try to steal it back.
9. Chill with the whole Mailman thing
At around Noon, every freaking day, someone stops by the house for like two seconds. Okay? Now that we got that down, can we just chill? I appreciate your effort in trying to be a guard dog but if we're being honest, if someone invaded the house you would roll over and ask for belly rubs, like "I guess I have new owners now."
10. Where are you going?
If I drop the leash or stop to pick-up your mess, it's not a free chance to get the F out of dodge. Is your life that bad? Seriously, Is it? You get the premium dog food.